Wondering around the neigborhood

Gnip gnop...gnip gnop
Cadence clear, steadfast
Stealing darkness
Reluctantly witnessing
The lights, living consoles ablaze
Disconnecting, obscuring
Feeling beautifully alone

I move

Gnip gnop...gnip gnop
Desperate lighting inspires the mission
Blinding beacons counter
The darkness quest
Breathing cold air thick and wet
Darkness' rhythm shines
As I steer purposely away from the light

Gnip gnop...gnip gnop

Sorry guys had to re post this...someone left in apprpriate comments...

It's SPRING!

I love leaves! Spring and Fall are my two favorite seasons. Each provides its own unique visual poetry. I so treasure the colors, shades, textures, and smells that come with the genesis of spring and Fall's cessation.

Spring is the time when it's all still possible. Gardens are conceived, their future yield still in question. Weeding, protecting, feeding and watering, our best is given in the hopes of producing our vision. Despite the promising nature of most beginnings, it's often a crap shoot as to what the end results will be. And in that mysterious unknowing place, after the seeds have been planted, before anything has yet grown... all is possible and exists. It's a truly magical time.

Fall is the culmination. Results are in. It's the time when our hopes and expectations (met or not) also fall away, making room for the magnificent reality. It's over! It's finished! Those beautiful leaves signifying the end. Comforting, crunching beneath our footsteps we can rest soon...and see how perfect it all truly was.

A recipe for ache

1 slice of melancholy
A dash of fear
Add memory and stir...



The pain insufferably dear
Muscles taught, fighting the pressure/weight

Noticing

Feeling

Been here before

These loathsome enduring rips and tears strengthening
Preparing to withstand even greater obligations

Sitting long enough, needing to move, stretch, BREATHE.

I find I am still here

Body and mind...sore as hell!

It's True

There comes a point in your life when you realize...

Who matters,
Who never did,
Who won't anymore,
And who always will.

So, don't worry about people from your past.

There's a reason why they didn't make it to your future.

Be kinder than necessary,

because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.

-Anonymous

The memories weigh heavy

Not my husband!
Engaging smile
Cheeks dimpled
Living
Loving daughters times two
Connected and certain

Seeing me
Knowing me
Stuck between my Rock and no place
with confused disease
Alone

Not my husband!
Disconnecting,
Knowing but not accepting
Body re purposed,
Wasted, inflated with it's own importance

Exhausted,
Bare,
Swollen,
Ice cold He lay simply
NOT my husband.

Back with good intentions...and bad retention.

Wow a post finally! Will I be able to retain my discipline to blog?

Well, I have never believed in making New Years resolutions but this year I decided that change was in the air. One of the changes I'm making this year is focusing more on friendships and making NEW ones. I need some SINGLE friends and in pursuit of this end, I have joined some different groups, am taking an art class and am looking into volunteering for this.

As a result I have had less time for my virtual life, including my blog. I tend to seesaw between giving 100% to any given project and Nil. All or nothing...which leads me to my next resolution, finding a balance between my projects.

I've also started going to the gym again (my third resolution). I hadn't gone most of last year, and started 3 weeks ago. Why did I stop? I have so much more energy and just feel better period.

Well where to start? So many topics...so little time.


So far this week there has been a theme to each day. It began Monday morning at the gym, but also happened later at the grocery store and then again while I was waiting for my daughter at her art class. I was drawn into extended conversations each time with a very sweet, mentally challenged individual. Just very strange. Two out of the three times the woman (a different one each time) even stopped what they were doing to address me specifically and then talk to me about nothing and everything.

On Tuesday, Relationships was the theme of the day...in the grocery store again (gosh I go there a lot.) I was passing an older gent on one of the motorized carts. I asked him to excuse me for getting in his way. He just smiled sweetly and said "I'm with the blond." pointing to an older woman pushing a cart just ahead. The pair must have been in their late seventies/early eighties and the love and desire he expressed with that simple phrase "I'm with the blond." just struck me. I turned the corner, caught up with his wife and told her what her husband had said. She smiled this big smile and said they had been together for 58 years. In that moment I felt so happy for their relationship and the obvious love and affection they shared. I felt sadness knowing I would never have that with Peter, yet simultaneously hopeful that I might find a love like theirs in my future.

I turned the aisle again to experience another striking couple. Two teenage girls were shopping for soup, laughing and discussing the merits of Campbell vs Progresso. After finalizing their choices, they walked arm in arm down the aisle, one girl giving a kiss and fondling her girlfriends buttocks. I don't mind PDA as a rule, but do think the fondling of body parts in public is a little much. And though that's why they first received my attention, they kept it because I was so impressed with their complete OKness with their pubic display of affection. No one I knew back in high school would have been OK with expressing their blatant or latent homosexuality at their local grocery store. That these young women didn't feel the need to hide I thought that was pretty amazing. I like to think it is a positive sign that the kids these days are becoming more tolerant, and expect to receive tolerance in return.

I wonder what tomorrow will bring? I think the theme might be SNOW, or WHINING CHILDREN, but I'll just have to wait and see :)

All Present And Accounted For

The Spirit of giving. What is it exactly? Whether we give out of expectation, obligation, to avoid guilt, or for the pure joy of it, we give because not to, would feel worse.

So....

What is a thoughtful gift anyway? I would say, it usually has the recipients wants and wishes fore most in mind, though haven't we all received a present that seemed to speak more about the person giving the gift? More times than not, the "gift" is something they themselves valued and wanted to share with us. These are the gifts that are sometimes presented with the prefacing statement "I know it's nothing you've ever expressed an interest in, but I love loved it and just know you will too."

Ideally, gift giving is a compromise between the values of both giver and recipient. It provides a wonderful opportunity to step outside ourselves, and really see and consider each others' desires and interests. But it is difficult to give a gift we ourselves find little value, and perhaps that is a contributing factor to this more egocentric type of gift giving. One might question whether that type of present even qualifies as a gift. Though the motivation seems pure, they loved the item and want it to bring as much joy to our life as it did to their own, do these kinds of gifts truly have us in mind?

When ever I went shopping with the girls to help them find presents for their Dad, they would pick out Etch a Sketches, glitter pens, kitties, all the things they valued and would love to get as presents. I would constantly have to remind them that that they should think of what Daddy might find useful or appreciate. I wonder how often we fall back into that kid like mentality, of giving what we ourselves would like to receive.

Interesting how in the end, it can be the receiver of one of these types of presents who is the one to give the true gift, by receiving gracefully the unexpected and undesired item.
It is after all the thought that counts.

A bra does not a woman make

What I want to know is, when did people get so strangely obsessed with their daughters' breasts?

I have been hearing from my daughter since the 2nd grade, and seen with my own eyes, little girls, not even near actual puberty wearing sport bras and training bras. I have overheard mothers talking, asking each other whether their daughter was developing yet. These are mothers of young girls 7, 8 years old, and though some girls do develop at a very young age, most don't even begin to start till they are at least 10 years old. Having said that, most of the 10 year old girls I see at my daughter's school do NOT need a bra though most seem to have them. Through conversation with my daughter's friends over the years I have been left with the distinct impression that the girls don't like wearing them and that they were told they needed them by their parents. One said it was so her nipples wouldn't show when she was cold. WHHHAAAT???? Like, little boys' nipples don't stick out when they get cold? Do we make them wear bras? So I ask what is going on here?

Dumbfounded I have had conversations with my daughter's teachers and they agree with me, that these kids are no where near puberty. Most felt that the parents were mistaking their daughters' extra body fat as developing breasts. If that is the requirement for wearing a bra then many of the boys in elementary school could qualify. So my daughter, still very much a girl, is starting to feel freakish for not needing one. Why is everyone in such a rush to sexualize these still young girls.

So off to the store we will go to get a bra she doesn't need. I am truly incensed by it all.

I wholeheartedly agree with this post on shopping for girls bras. Anyone with young daughters should take a look at what's in store for you when your girls reach that special age.

Meat your neighbors

This past week, a very odd story ran in many of the local papers..

FRAMINGHAM, Mass. - Police in Framingham are trying to figure out who keeps leaving chunks of meat on the town common, and why.

Police say residents have been finding butcher-quality cuts of meat on the common for about five weeks. In the most recent incident, a resident discovered a large piece of raw, unwrapped meat, along with what appeared to be a liver and some bones on Tuesday.

The town Board of Health is also on the case of the mystery meat. Police are asking anyone with information to give them a call at 508-872-1212.

One helpful lead...?

In possibly-related news, self-professed neo-shaman, Ervin Schnorkbuttle, claims to have proven the existence of a carnivorous spirit inhabiting the Framingham Town Common. Offerings of raw meat, left for the spirit at night, disappear without explanation, says Schnorkbuttle.

Except this meat isn't disappearing!! More likely it is a mischievous neighbor?

Now how bad can the economy be if people can afford to taunt their neighbors with butcher grade meat? It's not like they're tossing around ground chuck.

For a more in detail article on this odd event click here

About me, myself and I

So many things have been running through my head of late. I just haven't had the mental discipline, to settle on any single one, for my blog. Then this sharing, confessional mood struck and I just went with it. The following is a small peek into me myself and I.

• I appreciate big beautiful supermarkets with wide isles and an extensive international food section.
• I love the way babies smile and laugh at everything and nothing.
• I gave my first kiss in 1st grade, to a very mortified classmate.
• And received my first kiss 9 years later.
• I love digging tunnels in the snow.
• I sometimes listen in on others conversations at restaurants.
• And enjoy making up ridiculous conversations when others are eavesdropping.
• I so enjoy silliness and quirkiness.
• I killed a bumble bee, stomped it with my foot when I was in 2nd grade and it still haunts me.
• I believe there are times when emotion should outweigh reason.
• I wonder if I am a fearful optimist/hopeful cynic.
• I feel very alone.
• And desperately miss my best friend.
• I would love to find my 2nd special someone...
• I enjoy walking into the wind. (both physically and metaphorically)
• And enjoy running up and back down sand dunes!
• I can do a ridiculous amount of sit ups.
  
• I do not believe in justice...so stop holding your breath.
• I work at believing in grace, mercy, and that life never throws you more than you can handle.
• As a child, I never knew what I wanted to be when I grew up, and still don't.
• I miss the cicadas in Rockland. Without them, summer always feels like something is missing.
• I like the new James Bond, but not the films...Come on guys write better scripts! The reason I go to a Bond film is not to see him emotionally connect with a woman and be led astray. I don't want to connect with his softer side. (no pun intended) That's not what Bond is about.
• I think Starbucks' eggnog lattes are a little taste of Christmas heaven.
• I've been in love, twice in my life.
  
• And talked myself into believing I was, in one other relationship.
• I will take a bad cup of tea over a bad cup of coffee any day.
• I question those who have all the answers.
• I think all clowns are extremely creepy.
• I feel that the straight and narrow path may not be all it's cracked up to be...and that first step off, is a real doozie.
• I have a ridiculous number of candles that I never ever burn. (Christmas gifts anyone?)
• I am very superstitious about ordering new bank checks. (I have at least 2 more boxes. Phew!)
  

Alright, the feeling has passed. That's all for now.

Sometimes a cold is just a cold

My body has often been a barometer for what is going on in my life.

Almost half way through my sophomore year in college, I experienced debilitating chronic joint pain in my hips. None of the Doctors could figure it out. I missed class, because it hurt too much to sit, let alone walk there and back. Walking back from the Art building I would call Peter in tears, begging him to please come pick me up in his car. The building was only a mile away from the dorms.

I went for CT scans and MRIs which all came back normal. It was very frustrating business to suffer so, with no attributable cause to validate the pain. As quickly as it came, it left a mere 6 months latter.

Looking back I can see how stuck I felt, and how much my life was moving in the wrong direction. Not until my situation changed, did my symptoms resolve.

I have also experienced, thankfully not in many years,TMJ symptoms so severe that I could hardly open my mouth. The onset has always coincided with a situation where I felt completely unable to express my thoughts and feelings. And not so mysteriously lasts as long as I am in said situation.

Another example is terrible wrist pain that I get from time to time. The doctors diagnosed it ten years ago as Carpal Tunnel Syndrome. I had/have all the symptoms of CTS, however it comes and goes, usually only staying a week or so at a time. It only occurs a few times a year and can effect either hand. So it is obviously NOT Carpel Tunnel. I figured out 5 years ago that it only kicked in when I felt unsupported and over extended. That is when it would start hurting and I would put on one of those oh so attractive wrist braces. My wrist would get the support it needed till it felt better and I would do some soul searching to find where I needed more support. With in the week, I would be as good as new.

While this communication with my body is helpful and healthful for me, it helps further what I think is an ultimately misguided belief that my health and well being are in my control. I received the message growing up, that illness is an outward manifestation of dis ease in ones own life. While that belief empowers, it also fosters the illusion of control. There are things I can control, and I can make healthy choices, but still get sick for no reason. Not everything means something. Like dreams. Some dreams are like your brain just threw up the entire contents of the previous day, but others are important, and meaningful.

Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar and a cold is just a cold!

It's that time of year...

It's that time of year folks. All the catalogs, and advertisements are sure signs that the gift giving season is upon us. My children can't wait to look through all the catalogs and make lists of what they hope Santa will bring. The Toys R Us advertisement had some questionable items this year.
I found this delightful item in a section that advertised traditional genderless games like Scrabble, Uno, and Life repackaged all pink and girlified. Does the manufacturer really think that girls are going to see these and think "Like oh my God! I never wanted to play Scrabble before but it looks so cute in that pink box. Now that it's pink I just have to have it!" And what about the Ouija board. I thought the whole point of that was the creep out factor. Though the statement on the box...Ask the questions girls want to know creeps me out a little. Which dead female icon would they be getting said advice from anyway?

Or how about this one?
My Life Handheld "Customize your own character, choose a pet, play games, and live a fun virtual life!" Oh yea. I prefer to give gifts that promote a fun filled REAL life. But hey, that's just me.


Personally I am hoping I get the Shamwow. I just love the as seen on TV infomercials. (Hint hint Dad) And those water globes are pretty, though practically speaking, you can just invert any soda bottle filled with water and stick it in a pot to achieve the same effect.

Knowledge is a frightening thing

I love love LOVE my new phone. So many gadgets and new features, access to the web, video capability all with 8 GB memory card. I have been playing with and so enjoying getting to know all the features of this phone.

Though I usually can recognize by sound, the band or artist who is singing, I have never been one to keep song titles in my head. The new song id feature on my phone has opened up a whole new world. It has given me the opportunity to consider groups I didn't know I liked. For example I felt very confused to find out this one song I had really been enjoying in the car the other day, was Sure Shot by the Beastie Boys. Now I am not talking about their 1986 album Licensed to Ill, which is arguably a classic with their hits Brass Monkey and Fight For Your Right. I Just didn't realize I was a Beastie Boys fan. Who knew? What's next Vanilla Ice?

I

Kids say the funniest things

Kids truly say the funniest things.

It all started with my youngest who is 6. On the way home from an after school activity, she wanted to know what constituted a Popsicle. Deciding not to go into the fact that Popsicle is a name brand and that the generic reference would be freezer pop, I told her that basically anything that was partially if not completely liquid in nature once frozen on a stick could be considered a Popsicle.

Being still still stuck in the potty humor phase, she started rattling off her special variations of the beloved treat. Peescicle illicited delightful laughter from my eldest, who was more than happy to join in with poopscicle and vomitscicle. Just when I thought I was through with this subject, over dinner my eldest says
"What about obesescicle?"

"What, a fat person on a stick?" I asked.

"Yeah" she said "But she would have to be frozen too, huh?"

"Yes" I answered.

"Freezing is an essential part of what defines a Popsicle. Please pass the pasta."

You can't take it with you, but apperently that's not an issue...Just place your order from the great beyond.

Identity theft is an insidious noxious act.

Though much can be said about an individual by looking at their credit history, a person is so much more than their credit score and their identifying stats. If only the thieves that steel peoples identities could keep that in mind. The havoc created by a person stealing such personal information is almost unimaginable. For the most part the burden is placed on the individual to safe guard their own credit information. The three credit reporting agencies will put a temporary fraud alert on your account for up to 90 days...but you have to remember to call back when the 90 days are up to put the alert back on. Once criminals start using your identity the real fun starts. Even if the agencies have your account blocked due to identity theft, if credit is issued fraudulently by institutions that don't check your report, you have to document and support each claim as to why you aren't responsible. Each incident then needs to be reported to your local law enforcement office as well. While you are disputing the fraud your credit is going down the toilette...and it can take years to clear it up.

It is depressing business navigating the whole rigmarole. At some point most people have to give their private information (name, social security number, telephone number, address, even mother's maiden name)to secure loans, mortgages, credit, etc. It is not possible to protect yourself completely from this terrible crime. There are steps to reduce the likely hood of becoming a victim, but the reality is that your bank has your information, (unless your one of those people who keep your life savings in a mattress) your mortgage lender has it (if you own your own home) along with various credit institutions servicing a car loan or credit cards.

After being contacted by my mortgage lender, I received the special pleasure of being informed that there was a possibility that both my identity and that of my deceased husband may have been stolen and sold by an employee. So now the fun begins.

My mortgage company trying to mitigate the fallout over the actions of their miscreant employee, offered a free credit monitoring service for 2 years. I signed up right away not even giving a thought that my husbands name was still technically on the mortgage. (Due to the fees and paperwork involved I hadn't bothered to inform them of his passing.) This turned out to be a twisted blessing in disguise. His name being listed first on the account made him the initial target for the identity theft.

Ten days after I had received notification from the mortgage company, I received in 1 day over 15 phone calls from online insurance sites, online degree programs, along with local car dealerships informing me that they were calling in response to my husbands interest in these various products and services. It was jarring to continuously receive calls from these people telling me they had received e mail from my husband regarding his interest in xy or z. I was so irate over these impersonations. How dare these people try to steel services from people in his name and impugn his credit. And the phone calls were just like rubbing salt in a wound. I woke up every morning thinking I wonder how many times I am going to have to say "My husband's dead." today. So after rushing off copies of his death certificate and social security number to all 3 Credit Reporting Agencies to officially declare him dead I think I can finally put this, as well as my husband to rest (again).

When they bought the ticket they knew (or should have known) what they were getting into. I say let them CRASH!

I am so incensed, I just needed to have a cathartic rant on the topic of this economic crisis... Am I alone in my thinking?

Why do we need a rescue plan? Because collectively, as a society we acted like idiots. The masses ruined it for those that acted responsibly. Now the government is trying to act like a parent stepping in to rescue its citizens in distress. The mortgage crisis came about from people’s arrogance that they DESERVED to have the house, car, boat, new bathroom, second home, etc. regardless of whether it was something they they could realistically afford. What happened to renting an apartment, working hard, and saving to put down 10-20 % on a home, car, home improvement project? I have absolutely NO sympathy for those who took out those crazy mortgages for houses they truthfully couldn’t afford and are now facing foreclosure. It is not your right as an American to own your own home. These people gambled and lost, and are now whining to be rescued.

For those that have lost there jobs and are having trouble paying their mortgage, I feel for them, but the reality folks, is that bad things happen to good people. Part of making good responsible financial decisions involves some planning for situations like lost jobs, deaths, etc. by keeping a cushion of money to land on. Except for those on food stamps, and in our bottom economic strata, ANYONE can choose to live within their means. By doing so you may not be able to keep up with the neighbor next door, but you do get piece of mind knowing that you and yours are taken care of. You would think, that would be more important then keeping up with the Joneses. If the housing market is over inflated and you can’t afford to buy, then don’t, rent.

Then I hear story after story from people that are whining about how they have been taken advantage of by their mortgage company. “Why would they have said we could afford the loan if it wasn’t in my best interest?” While I will admit there are predatory people in the mortgage industry, in the end it is an individual’s responsibility to be actively involved and critically evaluate whether a service/ product is in their best interest. If they aren’t capable of making these decisions, then they should have a friend or family member who is, help them out in that regard. Mortgage lenders offer choices, and just because they say you’re technically approved for certain loans doesn’t mean you should choose them. People who don't understand that the mortgage lenders are looking to make the most money possible off them are hopelessly naive. You don't get something for nothing. I am sure this is a bitter pill to swallow for many but why shouldn't they have to whether the consequences of their own stupidity?

How can we forget the greedy financial institutions that were willing to lend the money out despite the credit risk? When did financial institutions get into the practice of gambling, with no money to back up their bets? On that note, I understand that SOMETHING needs to be done regarding the resulting economic crisis that has come to pass. However, I am very dubious about the Bail Out plan presently proposed. I would rather see the financial institutions who helped bring about this whole mess suffer the natural consequences of their stupidity and greed. Jobs would be lost, credit would freeze up, and many innocent people would suffer and though that would be unfortunate, with far reaching effects, I just can’t see why the mortgage and banking industry should receive a get out of jail card and not suffer the consequences of their bad choices.

Project Morning Person is a total bust!!

I have come to the conclusion that one should not try to mess with Mother Nature. At least not to the extent that I did while trying to change myself into a morning person. The results after just a few days were promising. Unfortunately, they were short lived. I did start going to sleep before midnight at first, but bedtime started to slowly slide later and later over the weeks. Still getting up very early, I have been so exhausted some days, that I end up taking a nap for a couple hours in the middle of the day. It's ironic that I started this whole thing because I felt like I was missing too much of the day.

I can't help but draw a parallel between what I did to myself and when one diets. At first the weight is lost....you look and feel good....but slowly old habits and ways return and all the weight returns plus 5 or 10 more. Crazy that trying to change oneself for the better should end up having such a negative end result. Perhaps the fatal flaw in my plan was having a specific idea of what should be a normal night of sleep. Trying to achieve this ideal, like trying to reach a certain dress size, is less important than trying to figure out what my body needs to function at its best.

Well my body tells me it doesn't like to get up in the early morning hours. If nothing else I have discovered that I should never get up before 6am, and after 6, only if it's an emergency. I can force myself to get up by 7 for work, or to help the kids get off to school when necessary. And 8 is the earliest I would voluntarily wake up. In an ideal world I would sleep till 9 or 10am and start my day. Perhaps moving to a new time zone, CST or MST would help...But I know my internal clock would just shift accordingly... You just can't trick Mother Nature. I night owl I seem destined to be.

Maybe I just need one of these.
The Flattua bed is supported by a single beam attached to the wall, creating a neat effect that looks like your bed is floating on air.

Then I would sleep as peacefully as this guy is meditating.


The Quantum Sleeper should give anyone piece of mind...you are instantly ready for any crisis or emergency. Though I find no mention of drinking water storage capabilities.

Duck season!...No.... Rabbit season! Actually it's TICK season!

Oh how I hate these little buggers. I studied all about the many species of ticks while earning my Vet Tech degree, and these little suckers are truly disgusting.

The American Dog tick (Dermacentor Variabilis) is everywhere, and each year I have to make the choice whether or not to put down poison to keep the kids from being covered in them. This year I gambled and decided not to go the poison route. My oldest has lucked out...Apparently her body chemistry was not attractive to them and she had no tick incidents this year. My youngest on the other hand has had 5 bites from dog ticks and 3 bites from deer ticks this year. Luckily I have found them all within a handful of hours but those deer tick nymphs are SMALL!!! More than 1 out of every 2 Deer ticks in this area have Lyme disease, so I have been pulling my hair out (and poor Dana's, looking for ticks) all summer long. Short of dipping her in DEET there is nothing I can do but do a full body inspection EVERY TIME she comes back inside. It makes me want to move to the South West....but then I would just worry about scorpions and rattle snakes.


Threats to small children abound in my area....at least according to the local news. It seems that besides my children being besieged by ticks, I need to keep a watch out for groundhogs, rabid foxes,and such. Those these reports are from a year ago, but are typical of reports from year to year.

I wonder if a whale or dolphin can get rabies? Would they experience the typical hydrophobia? Maybe that's why they are always beaching themselves. What a bad horror film that could make.....A terrorist purposefully infecting pods of whales that start crushing our ships as they try to throw themselves out of the water onto the boats.

Clearly I need to get out more.

I did it and learned a lot along the way

Over the years computers and I have have had a very tumultuous and complicated relationship. I started out back in the day, dead set against them. They were always something I hated to love and loved to hate. I was a committed technophobe, even using a manual typewriter through out high school, though I finally did get an electric one for college. It was the early 90s and computers were mostly being used to store information, run specific programs, to analyze data, and such. However, they started to creep into my everyday life. By the time I graduated from college, even libraries were replacing their card catalogs with computers, (boo hoo) and there was this phenomenon called the world wide web, that my husband kept talking about.

I remember one late afternoon in 1996, when he decided to show me how it all worked. I listened dubiously as he explained to me the concept of web pages, and started typing in random addresses to see what popped up. There were no real search engines like google so it was just sort of hit or miss. We tried many different addresses but time and time again, after waiting minutes for the page to down load,(the joys of dial up) it would more often then not, say page under construction. We kept at it for an hour or so, Peter getting more and more frustrated as my curiosity faded and my feelings confirmed regarding the limits of a computer's usefulness. Other than running certain software programs, creating word documents, and playing computer games like Doom, I thought that a computer amounted to a very large and expensive paper weight.

Peter remained committed to his technophillic nature and I got to reap the benefits of his ever expanding knowledge of all things computer. The computer became an essential part of my life. Running spread sheets, researching, shopping, paying bills, playing games, keeping in touch with those I care about and love are just a few of the ways computers became an integral part of my day. It would be hard to think of life without them.

Peter had always been the one to install the latest programs or hardware. He maintained it, kept it virus free, defragmented it, added memory, etc. I knew nothing of these things and was gratefully oblivious. If a window popped up while I was using it, asking me a question, I would call Peter at work to make sure it was OK to click on it. I certainly didn't want to cause a problem. I suppose I am starting to sound like a nit wit, but my computer illiteracy was merely a result of a devision of labor. I was completely in charge of our finances, running of the house, all things kids, most of the yard maintenance, etc. so I was perfectly happy to leave the area of computers to him.

But then he got sick. And dealing with the computer alone was not something I knew how to do. While Peter was receiving treatment in Texas, I had to transport our computer there and set it up with DSL. And when we got back home I became obsessed with getting the computer hooked back up and running. Amongst the chaos of my family's return home, the arrival of my husband's parents and siblings, and the setting up hospice care, I had to set up the computer and have it up and running. In my mind if I could do this one last thing without him, then the girls and I would somehow be OK. Over the 8 months he had been sick, I had run the entire show. The computer was the last thing I had depended on him for. On the 8th of August, we flew back from Houston on a private Jet loaned to us by the owner of the Sonics. Two friends of the family were driving back our car full of our belongings, including the computer, and weren't scheduled to arrive till the 10th.

I felt if I could just get the computer up and running without him, then maybe there was hope of a life after Peter. If I could just get it running, then maybe everything might eventually be OK. Late afternoon on the 10th, with my very confused in laws looking on, I spent what felt like 2 hours on the phone with a very patient rep from Adelphia helping me plug cords in the proper places and getting my computer back on line. After, I went into the bedroom where Peter lay. I wanted for him to know that I would be OK. I whispered into his ear that I had done it. I had gotten the computer running.

I needed him to know that although it was NOT OK for him to be leaving us, that it would somehow be OK, even if I couldn't yet see how. I would not crumple up and die. Life would go on. I would go on....without him. He knew the significance of what I had accomplished and what I was really saying.

I was saying goodbye.


He died 8 hours later in my arms.


In these past 2 years, I have been delighted to discover that regarding computers, I wasn't as much of a dunce as I thought I was. I must have picked up a lot from Peter over the years without knowing it. And after getting over my fear of irreparably damaging the computer I've spent hours opening up tabs rooting around and becoming more and more familiar with my computer. It helps a lot that everything is SO menu driven and intuitive. And of course there is that wonderful world wide web of information at my fingertips, so I can usually find out what I don't know. Last year after my computer became infected with a virus I learned how to put it in safe mode and manually deleted the infected files. Is it something that would have taken Peter 20 minutes to do? Yes. Did it take me 8 hours? Absolutely. But I did it and learned a lot along the way.

Hopefully, when my time comes I will be able to say the same about my life.

Ready or not time marches on.

Ahh the first day back at school. One glorious year when both children will be in the same school, on the same bus. I can't believe I have a 1st grader and a 5th grader. Where has the time gone? I still remember only yesterday when they looked like...

THIS

On the left Dana at 3 months and on the right Sienna at the same age!

What little troll dolls they were. And if you spun them around real quick, their hair would stick straight out just like the dolls from our youth. Remember these guys?