Pulaski, NY times a changn'

Most of my childhood summers were spent an hour North of Syracuse, right on the beach of Lake Ontario. The closest towns were a 15 minute drive to Sandy Creek or the longer 1/2 hour ride in to the booming metropolis of Pulaski. I still make it back there once a summer with my kids and was disappointed to find one of town's establishments had been taken over by a new owner and my favorite sign gone. It was a drop off place for can and bottle returns. For as long as I can remember, an ancient wooden sign hung outside, with the simple words Redemption Center. Driving by I would think to myself " So THAT is where one goes for forgiveness and finds redemption. Ahh if it were only that easy... " Well, Judy's Bottle Return is now sporting it's new name on a brand new sign. The redemption center and it's magical redeeming possibilities now, is forever lost to me. But my brother drew my attention to another new place. A hair salon called Dye and Curl Up. I think they made the right call by switching the order around. Curl Up and Dye might have been a little too off putting, though both versions leave me with the impression that an appointment should not be made lightly. They could have really gone for the whole kit and caboodle and named it Get Cut, Curl Up and Dye. But that would be just silly.

From Buffalo with love

I've really enjoyed being back in my old haunting grounds...already having visited one of my favorite restaurants, Panos, I am looking forward to hitting Duffs for some of the BEST Buffalo hot wings on the planet. Five days into my 2 week traveling extravaganza I have stayed overnight at my Moms summer cottage, getting to visit with my brother and his girlfriend, and close friends of the family. Then we were off to my cousins fabulous wedding over the weekend and visited with my oldest cousin and his family.

Now staying with my in-laws in Buffalo I am looking forward to connecting with some old friends in the area and meeting up with one of my best friends and her family who chose to travel the same week to visit Niagara Falls. Maid of the Mist, here we come! It's one of those touristy things you never get around to doing when you live 20 min. away. So I'm looking forward to taking the kids and the fact that they will get to go with their best friends from home is all the better.

Who isn't watching the Olympics? The swimming relay race on Sunday night was incredible! The woman's gymnastics team was painful to watch as they just kept falling and stepping out of bounds. Though they appear to have it together tonight.And I don't understand it but it seems they are dropping softball from the Olympics. But they are keeping team handball? How is softball less of a serious sport than handball?

Well, stay tuned for tales from the redemption center...and a hair salon that you may never survive.

Late night visitors, dramatic exits and mindful driving...(A stream of thought post)

I'll be on the road visiting family and friends for the next couple of weeks. I will have little to no access to the internet during this time, so posts will be far and few between. Rest assured I will have lots to talk about in my return.

I had a couple of late night visitors last night. Two teenage boys got lost cutting through the woods, walking back from a friend's party late last night. Their cell phone had died and they had no idea on what street they had ended up. My neighbor had been less than helpful (they had rung their doorbell before mine). I couldn't let them inside to use the phone...and didn't want to hand them my cell phone...(bye bye cell phone). But I called their houses and left word of their situation to their parents and offered to call the police to help them where they needed to go. Sure enough the boys in blue showed up with one of the kid's brothers to take them home.

Ah, the memories it brought back of curfews and parties gone awry. Come to think of it, in High School James and I were the only ones with strict curfews...or had the earliest ones anyway. One of my most memorable exits of a party has to have been a cast party in Congers that my whole group of friends attended. James and I had the earlier curfew and left to go home. Driving at night, in an unfamiliar part of the county, I got into a terrible car accident that totaled my parents station wagon. Thankfully no one was seriously hurt, the driver of the other vehicle got stitches in his leg and I got the worst of it, shattering the drivers side window with my head. What a dynamic exit! And for some reason, after, no one wanted to ride with me so much. Go figure.

And that leads me to another memory of friends (you know who you are) who would give me directions, "right" or "left" when I was driving at night leading me into dead ends and culda sacs. I would just blindly trust their directions and oh how they would laugh, when I discovered they had led me into a dead end. They got me every time. :)

My friend Mike and I were the worst drivers I knew back in the day. It wasn't that we drove badly, the mechanics of our driving were fine. I won't speak for Mike, but my difficulty was focusing on the task at hand. My mind would start to wander and I would be thinking about someone or a situation, instead of keeping my mind on the road. I was a bit of a day dreamer and it took me a number of years to achieve the appropriate mindfulness needed to become a good driver.

Though a bit of a speed demon I am no longer a hazard on the road. :) My 8 hour road trip upstate this weekend will hopefully prove that.

Weekend up date

Here is the update on project Morning Person. Well, except for last night, I am pleased to say that my experiment has been somewhat successful. I have gone to bed before midnight most nights this week. I have slept in however till 8 or so in the morning. Obviously, I have had a lot of sleep deprivation to catch up on. I need to push that back a bit, but so far, so good. I did cheat however, and tried Tylenol PM a couple of nights, which works pretty darn well.

I took the girls to a local amusement park this past Friday. We hadn't been to one in 3 years, so it was a real treat. Dana had to wear her sneakers with gell cushions to make the 48 inch requirement...And after the Boston Tea Party ride, (basically a Giant version of the flume that seats 20 people.) her shoes were soaked, but no matter. The three of us had an awesome day! Arriving at 11:00am, we walked the park back and forth for the next 8 hours or so, leaving at 7:45pm. I was in bed by 10:30 that night! A truly wonderful exhausting day.

This week is a tough one for me. It will be 2 years ago August 11th that Peter died. It is strange how different this year has been to last. Not really any easier, just different. I haven't been reliving the horror show day to day, though I wonder if the body does hold onto memories in some visceral sense, regardless of what our brain holds onto. I had been having a perfectly wonderful day on Saturday, when all of a sudden a dark cloud of doom descended. It came out of no where. I sat still for a moment trying to figure it out, when it hit me that 2 years ago to the day, almost to the hour, the doctors brought me in for the talk, confirming that Peter's condition was terminal. I wonder if the trauma and stress a body is put through lives on in us at a cellular level, a biological PTSD of sorts.

It is at this point my very good friend Eva would say. "Kirsten you think about things way too much." And she is right, in that the answer wouldn't really change how I am feeling or doing. What can I say, but that I am an intensely curious person.

Sometimes coffee isn't just coffee, it's an invitation....to HELL

Over the past 2 years, I have had the chore of finding, evaluating and hiring contractors to fix up the seemingly endless lits of things going wrong with the house. First of all, I have had very little experience doing this. Peter was a Mr. Fix it sort of guy and did most projects himself. The only project we ever hired out was when we changed the location of the water meter cemented into the foundation floor. Some things you just don't mess with. Secondly, I always worry that the contractor is going to try to take advantage and overcharge me, or tell me I need things I don't really need. So the process involves getting a few estimates from the contractors who even bother to show up, ( you would think in this economy that they would be glad for the work?) decide to trust the ones that are all in the same ball park and then just going for it and praying they show up to do the job promised.

When I got the bathroom redone last year, I decided to use a friend of a friend whom I had heard terrific things about. I got his verbal estimate, told him that it sounded great and waited, and waited, and waited for the written contract. I called and left a dozen messages over a weeks time. He called me back once to tell me it would be mailed out shortly. I never got the contract nor heard from him ever again. Unbelievable! After that fiasco I try to use friends and friends' family members when possible. At least that way, they won't be able to fall off the face of the earth and presumably have a vested interest in completing the job in an appropriate fashion.

So the roof has been the latest project completed. The mason is showing up today...(it never ends...sigh) The roofer was the brother of one of my neighbors. He called me up at 7:30 pm to see if he could come over and go through the estimate. It seemed harmless enough. He wanted to bring me a coffee which I declined. He insisted and showed up with coffee in hand. We went over the estimate in about 15 min. 2 1/2 hours later, he has inappropriately shared WAY too much personal information, not least was, that he planned on leaving his very sick and emotionally damaged girlfriend of 6 years. The message clearly was that he wanted me to know that he was available, for more than the roof job. I realize this was NOT going in a good direction. But he just wouldn't stop talking, his run ins with the law, evictions by his landlords, a stabbing, it just wouldn't stop and frankly, I was stunned into inaction by all that he was disclosing. I hired him to do my roof...! Finally at the end, even he admitted the inappropriateness of the situation with his comment that "you needed a roof and I guess I needed someone to talk to." As I close and lock the door behind him, breathing a sigh of relief, I think OK, surely everything will be back to business as usual. He must have just had a bad day. But the next day he showed up with more coffee and a big smile, and said he was looking forward to spending more time with me, as he touched my arm.

Now I am NOT interested in this man, especially after what happened the evening before. But apparently he has interpreted my tolerance of last nights interaction as interest? And then he does the worst thing a man can do when trying to date a woman with kids. He tried to get on my good side by trying to get the kids to like him. He brought them doughnuts. Who does this guy think he is, showing up to my house buying my kids junk food without my OK? You just don't do that. You don't get to a woman through her children, you get the honer of meeting a woman's children after you have already won her over. I don't even know this guy...it is the third time I have ever met him. So I found myself in the strange situation of needing to break up with my roofer. I kept on wondering if I was reading the signs wrong, but really that was just wishful thinking. It just goes to serve as a reminder that even indifference can be construed as interest. Like the song says you do have to be cruel to be kind...in the right measure though in this case it does not mean that I love you.

All this drama when all I wanted was freaking roof! (which in his defense, was done beautifully.)

The early bird catches the worm....or so I am told.

I've always been a night person. The evening is my me time and it has always been the most productive and precious part of my day. The problem is that I never get enough sleep. I used to be able to easily get by on 6 hours a night. But as the years go by I am noticing that 5 and 6 hours just doesn't cut it anymore. I find it so hard to stop what I am doing and put myself to bed before midnight. So I am trying a new approach. I am going to try to make myself a morning person. I'll make myself get up at 5:30 in the morning every day until I start going to bed earlier in the evening out of shear exhaustion. Hopefully, this plan will throw me completely off my game so that my body will not realize it is 10:30 at night and I'll at last be able to fall asleep at a reasonable hour for a change.

I am totally intrigued with the concept of greeting the glorious sun as it pulls itself up over the horizon. I am certain that I will be much less smitten with the idea tomorrow morning, so wish me luck with day one of the experiment. Or maybe wish my children luck with me....they might need it more. The entry is short and sweet tonight...it's almost midnight. I'll have only 5 1/2 hours if I fall asleep RIGHT NOW. sigh.......

Stay tuned for more on the contractor front.

A girl, a dress and her Guitar Hero

I had a fabulous day today. After dropping off my youngest at our friends for fun in the sun, Sienna and I went shopping for a dress for me to wear to my cousin's wedding. I needed to find a dress for a summer, evening, outdoor wedding, fitting into the category of a cocktail dress. I knew I had nothing in my closet that could work, so off to the mall we went.

I have never been one to follow the current fashion trends, or have the latest it fashion item of the season. Honestly, I was a little unsure of what combination of fabric, length, or style, even defines a cocktail dress. Sienna and I wandered in and out of stores lost as to the appropriateness of each and every item I came across. My cousin's comment of "Get something short, tight and strapless." though flattering, wasn't exactly the help I was looking for. After calling friends and family, the general consensus was that Anne Taylor wouldn't steer me wrong. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! You were right. The sales lady brought me a beautiful dress that was perfect, and even better was 50% off. Yeah me! Now all I have left to do in the next 2 weeks is accessorize.

I felt great about the dress acquisition and headed back to my friend's house. After getting her thumbs up on the dress (Oh thank you for your fashion sense Eva), the girls and I hung out, mooched dinner and played Guitar Hero the rest of the evening. I LOVE that game. I have a feeling Santa is going to bring a Wi for Christmas and Guitar Hero will be in someone's stocking.

Take another little piece of my heart now baby....

Some of you may be aware that I had to put one of my cats to sleep last week. She was 16 years old and other than the extremely debilitating arthritis that had grown worse from year to year, extraordinarily healthy. She got very bad at exactly the same time Peter was diagnosed. And in fact, had their revealing scans on the same day. I remember quite clearly speeding like a mad women down 93 from a Concord Hospital with my almost deaf husband (they forgot to give him ear plugs for the MRI) so I could get there before the vets closed. Peter unable to stand or sit comfortably at the time stayed in the car while I got the news about Katie.

It was horrible news for the cat and even worse news the next day regarding my husband. Concerns for dearest Katie understandably were set aside for the next 8 months. And after Peter's death, I was determined to not lose anymore beloved members of our family. I am a firm believer that loss when possible should be rationed out. A little water added to a boat over time is manageable, too many waves at once sweeping over your boat, filling it up, will sink it to the bottom. I was not going to let my family sink.

Now here is an excellent example of seeing only what you want to see. As a Vet Tech I saw animals with terrible injuries feigning wellness. Dogs with broken legs wagging their tails, grinning from ear to ear. Cats purring away with terminal crush injuries. Katie obviously hurt over these two years but hid her suffering, purring constantly. Despite the fact that I knew better, I refused to accept her pain choosing to see her purring "happy" self. But when it got so bad she hardly ever stood and it hurt me to watch her walk, I knew it was time. The kids were told and the deed done.

I had known it would come to this. I had hoped I would be able to give her more quality time. I had hoped to spare my kids further pain for a little longer. But hoping is living in the future, and the present reality of her suffering slapped me upside the head telling me I needed to do this. My little Hope party didn't like the present it was given. And I was pissed as hell that Peter wasn't here to help me deal with it.

Peter and I picked out Katie and one other of our cats together at the Buffalo SPCA over 16 years ago and it still seems so wrong that they had both out lived him. And not to get too teary, but it is hard to accept another piece of my past with Peter is gone.





And now for my public service announcement

Never give cats aspirin! It will kill them. They lack a special enzyme many animals have to break it down. It is extremely toxic to cats. There are a few acceptable options only available through your vet to help a cat in pain.

Project Runway and rainy days that never end

I LOVE the show Project Runway. I think it is one of the best reality shows around. This years cast of designers are proving to be just as talented and interesting as previous seasons. I think Suede's constant reference to himself in 3rd person will ultimately be just as annoying as Christian's fierceness last season. But for right now I love it.

I can't believe that next season's shows will be on Lifetime instead of Bravo. Lifetime has nothing (that I know of) like this show in its line up and I can't help think that it might get lost in between all those B and C movies depicting women as perpetual victims. Bravo upset over losing the show refuses to advertise the defection which though understandable, may frustrate less die hard fans of the show.

On a completely different topic, the kids and I saw the movie Space Chimps today to escape from rainy day home bound madness. It was a terrible movie! It entertained the kids so it served it's purpose...but oh how I wish I could have sneaked out and seen the new Batman movie instead. I think tomorrow we are finally going to have a one day reprieve from all this rain. After the tornado that caused all the ruckus today up North I will be sincerely glad for the break.

A healing or a curse?

Some days are just easier to bear than others. Surprisingly to me, there isn't even a correlation between good or bad things happening in a given day. Sometimes you just roll out of bed and you know it's going to be a difficult day. It's at those times I find it impossible to listen to music on the radio. I have always loved and listened to music. Perhaps it is part of the CAPD that I have struggled with through out my life, but up until recently, there were very few songs that I could make out the words enough to follow the lyrics and the storyline. For the most part I liked a song based on it's sound. I could make out some words and the sound of the music would clue me into whether it was a love song or an angry song etc.

Well sometime in the last 6 months I had a healing of sorts when something shifted inside my brain, I remember quite clearly sitting in my car, driving around doing my errands, when I realized for the first time in my life I was hearing the lyrics, and actually understanding the story line of the song. It was awesome....till I realized that some of my favorite songs that I had always loved just depressed the hell out of me. It was almost enough to make me switch to a Christian music station. Almost, but not quite :)

Anyway, on those difficult days, I can't bear to listen to music....at least 80% of the songs coming on the radio are about love and loss in every imaginable way. Parents that didn't love there children enough, unrequited love, lost love, love betrayed...the list is endless. And those upbeat moody rap songs I loved so...whoa Nellie! Glad I took peoples' words for it and never played those in the car with the kids.